Sunday, November 30, 2008

What I Actually Ate Today... For Reals.

Since I am confessing my deepest darkest "Mommy Sins" I've decided to come clean about my diet today. It was not a good diet day. It is a day that I like to call a body-shock day. It's where you consume as many empty, horrible calories accompanied by large helpings of fat and sprinkled heavily with MSG. In my own personal weight loss theory (based soley on what people have told me by word of mouth what they have read in books or watched on the Today Show or Oprah) this shocks my system into losing more weight throughout the week. Then I feel a little bit better about it because it's included in my long-term dieting goals. Goals which have been forced upon me because the youngest sister in my and my husband's family is getting married within five months.

Let's see... I have five months to lose weight that I have steadily been putting on since high school. That's ten years, and three kids worth of chub and saggy bags. Are you ready for the grand total? Drumroll please.....





72 pounds.

Do you know why I have to lose this much? Because the five sisters (yes five) on my husband's side were all hefty girls that now all fit in their skinny jeans just in time for this wedding. My mother-in-law has made some definite subtle comments about her expections of my weight. "Everyone must be at their absolute skinniest at every family wedding. It's the rule. I don't know whose rule but we must follow it. Your picture is going to be on the wall forever in the mandatory family photo. Do you want to be the only whale in a sea of flounders?" (OK she didn't say it in these exact words... but the meaning was there.)

OK so what was I supposed to be writing about? Oh yes... here is the list of what I ate today:

Breakfast - The rest of the Winter Oreos in the package. (sidebar... what is up with Winter Oreos having a red center? Something called Winter Oreos should have a blue center or... you know... white. Red Oreos should be called CHRISTMAS OREOS. Hellooooo Nabisco!)

My two boys saw me scarfing the rest and asked if they could have one. Well... I was down to my last one so I took a bite then broke the remaining piece into two. Aren't I fair?

Lunch - skipped because felt guilty about eating all the Oreos.

Snack - Two rice crispy treats.

Dinner - 1/2 a can of Spaghetti-O's. Yuck!

2nd Dinner - I had to run to Circle K to get my sick Hubby some Gatorade. Since I was already breaking the Sabbath, I decided to run for the border also. So two crunchy tacos supreme. Yum!

Can anyone else top me on most horrible food consumer? Anyone?

Tomorrow I will start my diet again. (Ha ha!)

Underachieving Clean-Up Tip #1

If you have put your children to bed too early before they cleaned up the toy heap on the floor and your house needs vacuuming, use my secret method to a quick clean.

#1 Get out your vacuum.
#2 Watch an episode of Top Chef.
#3 Plug in vacuum. (sometimes you can skip #3 if necessary.)
#4 Turn on vacuum in furthest corner of room.
#5 In straight lines, run vacuum up and down your room.
#6 (Very important) When you encounter toy or toys, push them into a corner or under your couch or bed.
#7 (Also very important) Be on the lookout for the following items: coins, small legos (if you care), strings or ribbon, doll's hair. These will turn this quick clean into a long clean.
#8 If you were not able to find a good hiding place to shove the toys with the vacuum then pull out your handy professional-style sweeper with extended dust pan. (You know... the kind the movie theater staff uses to sweep the popcorn you deliberately drop because it's fun watching someone else work especially when they are younger and better looking than you.)
#9 Sweep toys into dust pan.
#10 Dump toys into toy bin, box or heck- even the garbage can.
#11 With a smile on your face, smack your hands together, then put your hands on your hips and say, "My job here is done!"