Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hooray! Today was the best day!

Some pretty great things happened to me and around me today and I'd like to share them with you, my special blogger friends. (Cuz I'm a sharer.)

Two separate families from my ward brought me, I mean our family, little bags of Christmas goodies. Free cookies! And they're filled with love!

I won a lottery raffle drawing from the YMCA for a free 6 month Gym membership! Now I can quit paying my fat tax to LA Fitness! Aren't tax cuts great!

After a year and a half of potty training and refusal, my four year old finally went #2 on the potty! For the first time! It's a freaking Christmas miracle! (I can't believe I have two more children to potty train. I think I'm going to outsource or send them to potty training camp instead cuz I'm SUCH a good mother.)

What a wonderful day! I am high on life... and sugar.

Wanna-Be Super Recipe #1

Did six o'clock sneak up on you too fast? Do you need a super-quick, tasty meal idea that your children will actually eat? Follow these easy instructions from Yours Truly.

1. Pull out a bag of tortilla chips and pre-shredded cheese. (You could shred your own cheese if you insist but that isn't super-quick or easy, now is it?)
2. Pull out small paper plates. (Paper plates are crucial to being a Wanna-Be Super Mom. They add the necessary ambiance to an underachieving lifestyle.)
3. Dump a handful of tortilla chips on plate and spread out slightly.
4. Dump a handful of pre-shredded cheese on top of chips.
5. Microwave for less than thirty seconds or it will be so burnt and crusty that I can't guarantee your children will eat it. Set aside momentarily.
6. Open a can of black beans, rinse disgusting goop off and dump in microwavable bowl. (Don't be grossed out by the visual.)
7. Sprinkle black beans lightly with garlic salt so they will be edible.
8. Microwave for one to two minutes.
9. Scoop black beans on top of chips.
10. If you are one of THOSE people who have to add a garnish to everything, you can open a can of olives and sprinkle on top of beans and chips.
11. Serve to grateful, hungry, happy family with a smile!
12. When family is done eating scrape up partially chewed olive chunks off of floor, along with crushed up chips crumbs on chairs.
13. Then hose down ceiling to wash off the effects of flinging black beans.

Underachieving Cleaning Tip #2

If you hate to mop your kitchen floor, just like Yours Truly, then follow my easy instructions for a fast, quick, lazy clean. (The type of mopping only underachievers can achieve.)

1. Keep on the lookout for your two year old to decide to fill up his own sippy cup to the brim using the convenient/inconvenient refrigerator door water spout.
2. Ignore him while he tries to put on his own lid.
3. When he goes to take a drink from said sippy cup without the lid properly in place, gasp loudly as the ice cold water runs down his shirt and all over the kitchen floor.
4. Ignore him for ten more seconds to ensure a second spill of water in a different spot.
5. Help him put the lid on correctly and send him off to make mischief with a pat on the bum.
6. Grab a towel and drop it on the floor in the general vicinity of the 8 ounces of water.
7. Use preferred foot to swipe the towel through the 8 ounces of water.
8. Sweep the wet towel over the dirty spots in the kitchen until floor is presentable.
9. Leave towel on floor until a convenient time to take upstairs to the laundry room.
10. With a smile on your face, smack your hands together, then put your hands on your hips and say, "My job here is done!"

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Help! Santa is Bewildered and Broke!

Alright people! We have less than ten days until Christmas and I've got to get my act together! I need some advice from my dear fellow bloggers and followers. (Look I have FOUR followers! Awesome! I heart you all! *kiss kiss*) Here is the situation:

I bought some toys last year after Christmas on clearance and saved them for this Christmas (cuz we have no mo-neh.) I bought my four year old a HUGE (it's scary how huge it is) Lego set because he loves Legos and they will be from Daddy and me. I also bought a little bike that will be from Santa. I tried to get him excited about a bike for his birthday six months ago and he has not been interested=(. But he NEEDS to learn those gross motor skills soon or he's going to be one of THOSE kids that is picked last for teams or can't escape the dodge ball... like I was. So I'm sort of surprise/forcing this bike on him, I guess.

However, lately he has wanted some stupid, little toy he saw on a commercial. He is telling everyone that usually likes to spoil him - Granny, Meme, Santa, Aunt Balena. It's called Pixos Popper? Does anyone know what I am talking about? Bueller? I could probably afford this $15 gift if I cut back a little on the groceries this week. So the dilemma is: should I go and buy him this lame toy that is his heart's desire? Do I dash all his dreams? Or do I stick to my guns and save my dough? Is there too many metaphors going on right now? I just dunno. (Hey I just made a rhyme! I'm a poet and just don't know it.)
So help me out my fellow bloggers/time wasters! Good karma will be sprinkled upon you all if and when you leave me an advisory/clever/silly comment. (Same as any time you leave me a comment.) (Seriously, I will also include you in my nightly prayers... by screen name. =) How do you handle the Santa business for your family?

Monday, December 8, 2008

I Confess #4

This blog is all about the true things that happen in my home or with my family that I am embarrassed about. This is a place for me to get those things off my chest or off my mind so I don't accidentally slip and tell them to people who actually know me... or CPS. So in the spirit of honesty and trusting in the camaraderie of the bloggernacle; I must relate this story.

Picture me in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Picture husband upstairs, not watching children. Suddenly a howl, the dramatic four-year old doing his typical attention getting cry/wail. There I am, semi-ignoring it because this happens 25-30 times a day over the lamest things like he spilled a drop of water on his shoe or Mr. Sun went behind a cloud.

"What is wrong, honey?"

"Mooo-oooooooooooom! Two year old stabbed meeeeeee!" (Of course he didn't say two year old but remember... shh!... the mommy mafia!)

I perk up, slightly more concerned, "What did he stab you with?"

Then I see my angelic two year old come around the corner with a super-pokey paring knife and a scary, sinister look in his eye.

Now I'm completely freaking out. "Holy shucks!!! Where did he stab you?" I say, while mentally picturing blood pouring out of a hidden wound.

He pointed to his armpit, and luckily there was not even a mark. I swear, I do not know how my little two year old got the knife. Of course I took the knife away immediately! What do you take me for!?!?!

I am a safety freak! After the paring knife incident, I was beating myself up about watching the kids better and making sure everything was two-year-old-proofed. I was at my SIL's today and my nephew came in from the garage holding these giant tree trimming clippers. Then I didn't feel quite so bad.

Has anything completely irresponsible and dangerous like this ever happened to you? Should I beat myself up some more and put myself in timeout? Please share your opinions/judgements, I can take it.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Potty Humor

Is it ok to laugh at your children's potty humor?

My almost two year old (next week! waaah!) came up with this knock knock joke all on his own.

Knock! knock!

Who's there?

POO! HA! HA! HA! (The HA's are him laughing at himself.)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Poor, Crazy Britney

I thought this was funny.... in a sad-funny kind of way.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I Confess #3









I Confess #2












Britney Spears: For the Record.

Then I walked around my house all day today doing my best Britney Spears strut. I still think I look pretty hot when I do the strut. I still got it. Alright... just hit me... baby... one more time.

Any other closet Britney Spears fans out there? Are you a fan of something embarrassing that you don't share with your Relief Society?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Car Breakdown

My chillin's and I were leaving my brother's house late, after celebrating my nephew's 2nd birthday. Both of my extremely tired boys were sent home with a balloon. (These balloons were just ordinary CO2 balloons not like Nienie's marvelous helium balloons.) (I just love Nienie if you haven't noticed.) Well this really surprising thing happened.






POPPED! (I bet you saw that coming, didn't cha?)

He is just bawling uncontrollably, and other son is just hysterical. "Mom! His balloon popped! His balloon popped!" he is screaming four octaves higher than usual. So I say, "I'm so sorry honey," to the two year old and "Shhhh, calm down so he won't get more upset!" to the four year old. These two messages were repeated an innumerable amount of times while I am trying to find a place to pull over. I finally find a place that I probably won't get mugged in, then I get out to console and check if there are any balloon pieces stuck in my baby's face. (There weren't any... don't panic!) After about two minutes, I give up on trying to calm the two year old and I climb back in. "I know! Do you boys want to listen to your favorite CD?" I say and put it on. Miraculously, my two year old stops crying. I give myself a mental pat on the back. Yes!!! I did it!!! After two bars of The Popcorn Song, my two year old starts wailing again. I sigh in frustration and say, "Why are you crying again, sweetheart?" Immediately, in a voice five octaves higher than normal,







It is possible to laugh and cry at the same time.

Fighting for the Christmas Spirit

Every year on December 1st, I get all these ideas and dreams in my head about the wonderful things I am going to do each day with my family to create memories and have the Christmas Spirit. (Yes I capitalized it because it is very important to me and deserves that big letter.) I come up with this great idea to have a kids Christmas decorating party. I invited my SIL and her two kids to join my little crew. We went to Michael's and got some little crafts to do with the kids. I had visions in my head of these little cheap crafts turning out like all of Nienie's crafts with her kids. These are the highlights of how it really went down.

*Started with the four kids sitting at the table. 2 two year olds and 2 four year olds. My poor baby was abandoned to do endless amounts of tummy time on the carpet because I forgot to bring a baby apparatus with me to my SIL's house. (Ok CPS! Not really abandoned... )
*Put the sugar cookie dough in front of the children with 40 cookie cutters to choose from.
*Two year olds ate the cookie dough and cookie cutters.
*Four year olds are whining and crying because the two year olds were eating all their dough.
*The cookies end up looking like roadkill.
*I look over and my two year old has one of his cookie cutouts stuck to the metal spatula and was sucking it off. His nose was runny and there was some mixing of certain bodily fluids with the dough. I nearly retched.
*On to the coloring. Santa masks. One Santa looks like Pretty Pretty Princess with a cotton ball beard, the other looks like Multicultural Santa or a bomb scene at the crayola factory.
*Unwashable markers... all over.
*Now comes swirling drops of glitter paint in the clear glass bulb ornaments. You all seem pretty intelligent... just guess what happened.... yep... you're right. Glass shards stuck in paint, stuck in the grout of my SIL's kitchen.
*Me saying, "I give up! Last one in the car is a moco-encrusted cookie."
*We are scheduled to return tomorrow to frost and decorate the roadkill cookies. *biting nails*

I sure am good at creating memories. =)

FYI... moco is booger in Spanish.

Anyone interested in pictures?

Monday, December 1, 2008

I Confess

Tonight we held a Family Home Evening Group at our house for all of my husband's extended family. I'm talking his brothers, sisters, future fiance', cousins and even his mother's first cousin and husband. So the fun is happening, the songs have been sung, the lesson is over, treats are served, and eight o'clock rolls around.

Eight o'clock in my house is that sacred time of night when no children are allowed to be conscious or out of their little soft rectangles. This rule is hardly ever broken. Tonight was not going to be an exception. My 5 month old went down without a fuss... like always. I just love her! *sigh* I bargain with my four year old that he can play on the computer if he gets all ready by himself. The barely-talking-almost-two-year-old is telling me, "No nigh-nigh! Yuck!" Well the group was hollering at me that it was my turn and they were all waiting. I just had to do it! So I confess... after changing his diaper, I put my two year old to bed





And then my four year old fell asleep underneath the computer desk a little bit later. *snicker*

He's at least in pajamas.

I'm a horrible parent! Call Britney Spears and tell her she's lost the title!

What did you do today that you don't want anyone else to know? Your secret is safe with me... (unless I will be held legally accountable or something.)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

What I Actually Ate Today... For Reals.

Since I am confessing my deepest darkest "Mommy Sins" I've decided to come clean about my diet today. It was not a good diet day. It is a day that I like to call a body-shock day. It's where you consume as many empty, horrible calories accompanied by large helpings of fat and sprinkled heavily with MSG. In my own personal weight loss theory (based soley on what people have told me by word of mouth what they have read in books or watched on the Today Show or Oprah) this shocks my system into losing more weight throughout the week. Then I feel a little bit better about it because it's included in my long-term dieting goals. Goals which have been forced upon me because the youngest sister in my and my husband's family is getting married within five months.

Let's see... I have five months to lose weight that I have steadily been putting on since high school. That's ten years, and three kids worth of chub and saggy bags. Are you ready for the grand total? Drumroll please.....





72 pounds.

Do you know why I have to lose this much? Because the five sisters (yes five) on my husband's side were all hefty girls that now all fit in their skinny jeans just in time for this wedding. My mother-in-law has made some definite subtle comments about her expections of my weight. "Everyone must be at their absolute skinniest at every family wedding. It's the rule. I don't know whose rule but we must follow it. Your picture is going to be on the wall forever in the mandatory family photo. Do you want to be the only whale in a sea of flounders?" (OK she didn't say it in these exact words... but the meaning was there.)

OK so what was I supposed to be writing about? Oh yes... here is the list of what I ate today:

Breakfast - The rest of the Winter Oreos in the package. (sidebar... what is up with Winter Oreos having a red center? Something called Winter Oreos should have a blue center or... you know... white. Red Oreos should be called CHRISTMAS OREOS. Hellooooo Nabisco!)

My two boys saw me scarfing the rest and asked if they could have one. Well... I was down to my last one so I took a bite then broke the remaining piece into two. Aren't I fair?

Lunch - skipped because felt guilty about eating all the Oreos.

Snack - Two rice crispy treats.

Dinner - 1/2 a can of Spaghetti-O's. Yuck!

2nd Dinner - I had to run to Circle K to get my sick Hubby some Gatorade. Since I was already breaking the Sabbath, I decided to run for the border also. So two crunchy tacos supreme. Yum!

Can anyone else top me on most horrible food consumer? Anyone?

Tomorrow I will start my diet again. (Ha ha!)

Underachieving Clean-Up Tip #1

If you have put your children to bed too early before they cleaned up the toy heap on the floor and your house needs vacuuming, use my secret method to a quick clean.

#1 Get out your vacuum.
#2 Watch an episode of Top Chef.
#3 Plug in vacuum. (sometimes you can skip #3 if necessary.)
#4 Turn on vacuum in furthest corner of room.
#5 In straight lines, run vacuum up and down your room.
#6 (Very important) When you encounter toy or toys, push them into a corner or under your couch or bed.
#7 (Also very important) Be on the lookout for the following items: coins, small legos (if you care), strings or ribbon, doll's hair. These will turn this quick clean into a long clean.
#8 If you were not able to find a good hiding place to shove the toys with the vacuum then pull out your handy professional-style sweeper with extended dust pan. (You know... the kind the movie theater staff uses to sweep the popcorn you deliberately drop because it's fun watching someone else work especially when they are younger and better looking than you.)
#9 Sweep toys into dust pan.
#10 Dump toys into toy bin, box or heck- even the garbage can.
#11 With a smile on your face, smack your hands together, then put your hands on your hips and say, "My job here is done!"